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I was watching one of the candidate's debates the other night and it came to me. It was so clear and obvious I can't believe I didn't see it before. I need to run for President of the United States! Now I will never be President, but I realized the other night, neither will most of the other men (and woman) now raising millions of dollars from special interests. There's no interest more special to me right now than figuring out where the next paycheck(s) will come from! Well, what's your platform you say? What do you believe in? In an effort to inform my potential campaign contributors and by that, of course I mean voters, I've decided to interview myself. John, do you believe in family values? "Yes, I do. I value my family immensely. I love being around them (even though they do sometimes drink a bit too much and knock things over). Of course, family values vary from family to family; you'll have to decide the value of yours." Are you a religious man? "Excellent question. You know, religion was never talked about in Presidential races until about 10 years ago, with the exception of John Kennedy's Catholicism in 1960. For most of this country's history, it was considered an indelicate question and a private matter. God I miss that!" Have you ever had an extramarital affair? "I'm single you moron." Will you raise taxes? "I might, that's how we pay for things. Let me ask you a question.how much do you make?" Nothing, I'm out of work right now. "OK good, your taxes won't go up." How do you feel about abortion? "I don't like it, never met anybody who does." But do you think it should be illegal? "No, the jails are already full of recreational drug users, there's no room for women and doctors. Are you a Liberal or a Conservative? "What's the difference?" Well, a Liberal believes government should take care of people. "Then I'm a Liberal." And a Conservative believes people should be independent. "Then I'm a Conservative." You can't be both. "Why not?" I'm not sure. "Get back to me when you are." You have no experience in government or business, why would you make a good President? "The last guy had experience in both. How'd he do?" So.you're not really running, but you are raising money. Where should people send their donations? "I'm not sure yet, I'm still exploring the legality of campaign funds being sent to an offshore account." OK. - end of interview. As I said, I don't expect to be President, but I've always liked the idea of an exploratory committee. Their first assignment is to take in campaign contributions and explore a resort in St. Bart's where I can work on the rest of my platform. I'll keep you posted, but right now, I have to go download "Hail to the Chief" onto my iPod. |
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